Emo little miie
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Sunday, June 08, 2008
♥4:28 PM
I hardly blog tis days cause all my events are cancelled.. no more wonder event for me.. no more places to go to and i practically hv nothing more to share anymore.. my life have changed completely and i'm still trying very very hard to get use to my life now.. but i really can't stand boredom.. i really can't.. whenever the weekends comes, i felt like i'm goin crazy! there's several occasion i tried to bang my head on the wall, or even wanted to cut myself..
I know i'm being silly but i dun know wat to do!! i felt so numb to pain now.. i can't feel anything.. life for me now is, work, home, work, home.. i totally dun know wat i've been doin, feeling like a robot now.. ppl around me kept saying tat i look so stoned lately.. asking me where is the old me, the bubbly and cheerful me.. do u think i wan all tis to happen? i dun.. but i juz can't hide all my mood and expression.. i'm like a walking corpse everyday..
Blacky went back hm on 1 june 2008.. i'm very very upset over it.. i cried when he called me and told me he will be coming over at nite to take him back.. blacky has been me for yrs.. there's a particular feeling for blacky.. but everything juz ended wit a call again.. to my knowledge, blacky went back to his place and now, he's at his dad place..
It's been raining everyday.. the weather is cold.. whenever the weather turn cold or when it rain, the 1st thing tat comes to mind is, did they give blacky his pillow? he's afraid of cold.. does he get to eat in time? any snacks or fruits for him? they giving him dried food or rice? poor blacky.. the dog is innocent in the 1st place..
Even after we broke up, i tried to keep Blacky at my hse.. cuz i fear blacky having to live wit someone else.. he is too used to staying at my place.. and for tat, i didn't tok to my parents cuz i know for sure, the 1st thing they ask me is about the dog.. i'm trying ways and means to keep blacky.. but still...... i've tried my best.....
Some bad news came to me once again.. the pic.. upon seeing it, i broke down mentally.. i was totally stone sitting on my work desk looking at the loving pic they took together.. when we were together, i had to beg him to take pics wit me.. i'm once again heart broken.. very heart broken.. why am i so easily forgotten by him?
We had actually agreed to miting up 2 weeks after our break up but it drags on.. 3 week, no ans.. 4 week, no ans.. and always, no ans.. whenever we wanna mit, there's always something crop up wit him.. always.. suppose to mit last weekend.. but he's injured.. when i learn of his injuries, i was so shock.. i was afraid and i'm worried.. very worried.. and so, immediately after receiving the sms, i called him.. i juz wanna make sure he's alright.. i'm so so frighten tat he would tell me he got involved in an accident or wat..
I know ur might think that i'm stupid.. he had already broke up wit me y am i still showing so much concern for him.. i hv no idea.. i juz dun wan anything to happen to him, i juz wan him to be safe.. no matter how bad he had treated me when we broke up.. although i keep telling myself i shdn't carry on like tis.. but i juz cant.. i wanted to hate him so much so i need to torture myself looking at their loving pic everyday.. to remind myself tat he had clean forgotten about me.. do ur know how painful it is looking at the one u love wit someone else?? each time i see the pic, i will be reminded of how sweet they were together.. heartache would keep coming back to me over and over again juz like being stab over and over!! but he will never know about tis cuz he won't need to go thru all tis pain.. he will hv no idea how much i hv to go thru to get over all tis thing..
I really really hate the feeling.. but i hv to do tis!! i hv to remind myself over and over again! i really never expected myself to go thru all tis.. never.. i never wanted to.. i never want to be hurt so badly by someone i love tat much.. i really felt like killing myself whenever i see the pic..